Dear my diary

<Having Hope.> June 13, 2022.
3년만 더 고생하자, 좋은 일이 반드시 생길 거야.
<Bought a Bycicle.> June 15, 2022.
The gas price increased insanely that left me with no choice to ride a bike in place of a car. Not only is it good for my physical and pocket health but also it leads to a realization that being rich is unnecessary for having fun as long as I remain creative and positive.
<Pain of the Heart. >June 17, 2022.
Risking overgeneralization, it can be said that any matter that leads to the pain of heart -- be it related to the significant other, family, friends, or self -- has to do with hinderances resulting in inability to love. Retrospective jealousy is the problem at hand as of recent.
<Reconciling with the past.>
I think it is a time for me to finally talk with my failures in the past. Once in a while, I confront some points of my past where I was busy avoiding my passion in fear of failure. Although for long time I have craved to become a scientist, in high school I decided for Non-STEM tract because I was too afraid I would fail in math. In undergraduate years, I could have chosen to double major in industrial engineering or informational management but instead opt for an easy route by choosing English language and literature. In graduate school during MA, I dropped out of courses on computational linguistics and speech processing. Numerous opportunities were lying around to put myself back into the track. At those times, I had good excuses such as 'I might not enter a prestigeous university' or 'I might lose my scholarship'. Oddly, thanks to being a coward and only playing in the games with high probability of winning, I was luckily granted with many opportunities, ROTC, fully funding for MA, Fulbright award to name a few. I thought of writing "meaningless unwanted glory only affording relievance" of such achievements but on second thought it appears like I have been strategic all the time and quite admittedly behaved wisely. Why seek out for troubles and failures when you can prosper and shine? I guess I can be disappointed and bothered by the thought of stupidity from time to time for not being able to fully utilize my abilities if that means I can garner successes. As discussed in the talk (https://youtu.be/wLn28DrSF68), in most cases, you cannot have both achievement and happiness simultaneously. As contrary to a naive and linear thinking that postulates, 'If someone achieves a lot, he would be happy', in reality, people sacrifice one dimension for another. It might be a time in my life that I acknowledge life is wrought with imperfect aspects and that flaws are rather the norm. ['22.04.26]
I am constantly confronting with my internal struggle longing for being able to incorporate ML / DL tools into my research. I feel that without it, I am left not fully realizing my potential and leaves me with an unquenchable sorrow. I might not be able to relinquish this craving for technology. As I have discussed with a church fellow before, the only key to satisfy this voidness and to be feel whole again would be to be good at ML / DL so that I can claim it as part of my career. If I become competent enough, I can shamelessly identify myself as I wish. The remaining question then would be 'What strategy do I need to achieve this goal to become competent in ML / DL?' To break things down, 'What material or courses should I learn or take? And what sort of practical effort do I have to put in?' I found a useful article! Considering the explainability of models (Ras et al, 2021), it might be wise to employ linear ML models such as regression or decision trees (causal models such as Bayesian model) ['22.05.26]

RQ: Accentual Phrasing (henceforth "AP") in Korean is a complex prosodic phenomenon which is affected by numerous levels of factors such as speech rate, phonological weight (i.e. number of syllables), focus, semantic weight (i.e. predictability, informativeness), and syntactic constrainsts (perhaps other unspecified factors such as discourse/pragmatic elements might be present as well). Due to the intricate interactions among the various factors, predicting AP is understood to be a non-linear and non-monotonic task. In order to present an explanation to such convoluted phenomenon, building a ML / DL model might be useful. To illustrate, construct a DNN model and adopt a explainable AI technique (permutation calculation, heat map, attention coloring, 'dumb-down' modeling etc.). This way, we might be able to show a quantitative evidence to reveal potential causal relationships.

2022.06.22.
Don't just think about "Me, me, me" and think about what you can do for others. For example, what can you teach university students? What's worth teaching and researching?
2022.06.30.
An important thing to keep in mind when trying to make your room a working place is that you have to separate the spaces for different purposes. Once you start bringing in food into your room and think you are going to study there, you are making a mistake. If you want to have your room solely for studying and writing, the food does not belong there. Eat your things at the kitchen or dining room.
2022.07.01.
우선순위: Portfolio paper, Publication, NLP 공부

2022.07.04.
https://youtu.be/esPRsT-lmw8
Brain rehabilitation can cure copious of behavioral problems. AND, a good habit can boost brain health. 🧠
This video is hopeful and encouraging.

https://youtu.be/ZiDfZLJZTGU
Problems such as low libido (female) or loss of muscles (male) could be attributed to low testosterone. A medication might help.

https://youtu.be/7gzspv0GU5E
There are three different kinds of female orgasms physiologically: ocean waves 🌊, volcano 🌋, and avalanche 🗻.
Measuring force in pelvic floor, it can be
(1) constant up and down, like a sine wave
(2) abrupt shoot up at the end
(3) surge at the start and relaxation.
2022.07.08.
Lord, what is your purpose of sending me down to this earth?
2022.07.09.
여태까지 잘 해온 거 같으면서도, 마음 한 켠에 이 공허함은 뭘까?

2022.07.15.
From time to time, this impressions of the military breaks in uninvited, presents horrendous scenes, and wakes me up earlier than the usual sleep cycle.

It's middle of night. The air is serene and darkness settled.
"30 seconds to fully change"
These mental images are colored with coercions and sufferings.
Crude cruelty
Unwarranted sense of order.
Who dares give another equal being a permission?
meaningless harassing based on their rank, the smirk on the face, arrogant excitation aroused by witnessing alledgedly 'subordinates' undergoing humiliation
Confidence of their entitlement to access the destructive instinct
otherwise they would have feared
there was no sign of fear

Part of me made it seem natural to conform to the unequal interaction. And I dream out of it only to wonder why.

Some people might naively believe in goodness of human nature and wonder how oppressive structures such as feudalism during medieval era or slavery in modern era could possibly exist.
Oh, but rest assured, the atrocities are certainly not far away.
These people would considered normal in the society once discharged from the military. Face-to-face in the other circumstances would not have been the same.
Is it that humanity itself is inherently sitanic?
What conditions would have justified them to abuse power? What did the people desire to prove?
2022.07.20.
이런 생각이 들었다. 내가 죽은 이후에도 남는 것은 무엇일까? 영원한 것은 무엇일까? 클래식 음악과 수학이 비교적 오래 지속될 것 같다. 그래서 이것들을 취미로 삼으면 어떨까.
2022.07.23.
I am a gardener who trims the inner sinistic desires so that it looks good. The problem is its speed of growth. These desires pop up every other seconds and my sissor has no time to rest. I kill parts of myself all the time. I die and another part of me lives.
2022.07.26.
It is commonly thought that speech recognition task is a classification task. Given that each phoneme is discrete and the task is to predict each class, it seems logical. However, phonetically speaking, when considering how speech is produced, wouldn't it be also possible to make a case that it could become a regression task? That is, if the goal is not about predicting each phoneme class, but it is about predicting articulator places in the oral cavity (tongue height, backness etc.) and to determine afterwards whether certain coordination of the particular sound (a point) belongs to one phoneme (like clustering, e.g. a oval shade of particular region of frequencies as /a/ sound), then it could become a regression task. (i.e. Speech Inversion: Audio-articulartory dimension) And this sound to be the natural case for humans in terms of how our cognition function. When we first listen to a vocal sound, the first task in our mind would be determining a particular F1, F2 values (which are real numbers) and then depending on the phonological setting of the language, we distinguish the sound. This is apparent when considering the case when a person who does not know a certain foreign language to interpret in their own phonological system whenn they hear lyrics from the unknown language. This approach would also be scalable across languages in that regression task follows the fundamental, natural way that hearing works. This is to argue that even before doing classification task, speech inversion which is regression in nature takes place. It also aligns with how babies learn sounds (or I assume they do), where they first listen to a sound and then convert to an articulatory motor and then cognitively understand the language. (behavior before cognition)
https://youtu.be/5AXF14_OCNE
15-20 min
pg.77 뉴욕시 소재 해스킨스 연구소 연구자들은 1967년에 발표한, '음성 지각에 대한 운동 이론 (Motor Theory of Speech Perception)'을 다룬 논문에서 우리 뇌가 어떻게 이런 일을 하는지를 훌륭하게 설명했다. 이 논문은 음성 언어가 소리로 시작되는 것이 아니라, 브로카 영역과 베르니케 영역(Wernicke's area)에서 나오는 명령들에 의해 춤추는 것 같은 몸의 움직임, 즉 몸짓으로 시작된다는 획기적인 이론을 제시한 논문이다.
A. M. Liberman, F.S. Cooper, D. P. Shankweiler, and M. Studdert-Kennedy, "Perception of the Speech Code," Psychological Review 74, no. 6 (1967): 431-61.

2022.08.02
While watching <The Office> S4E4, it came to my mind that linguistics could become obsolete if programming skills are not taken into account, just like the company in the show.

2022.08.05.
Is it possible to fully comprehend the meaning of events presented to me? My capacity is incomplete and hence the layout of my past and connections amongest thereof are obscure. Only in hindsight can the past be understood in thr slightest sense.
Questions about admittance to a certain university and personal relationships, such as lovers and mentors, linger. I could not understand when I was swept in the events and swimming in it. But all of such events seem to make sense and are so elegantly organized.
I have resented and cried why things had to be that way. I thought the university was below me, I thought the research was useless, and even to these days I feel unsatisfied from time to time. Oh, how miracles are done by His hands is beyond my understanding. May God bless me with enough wisdom and humility to follow him.

2022.09.21.
문득, 지금 너무 한국어 수업에 시간을 많이 쏟고 있는 건 아닌지 의문이 들었다. 내가 원래 하려던 목표를 이루어가고 있는 걸까? 생각에 갇혀버린 나는 곧장 오피스에서 벗어나야 했다. 티칭과 연구를 동시에 하는 건 쉬운 일이 아니다.
(고립감) 나를 괴롭히는 또 다른 점은 연애인데, 어느 순간부터 이 친구에게 마음을 터놓지 못하게 되었다. 내 말을 들어주지 않을 것이란 생각이 든 이후부터 나는 말이 없어졌다. 돈 문제도 겹치면서 이런 관계를 유지하는 것이 맞을까 의문도 들었다. 이런 여러 이유 때문에 연애가 내 생존에 위협이 된다고  느낌이 들었다. 그런데 내가 이 친구에게 의존하려는 마음은 옳은 걸까? 내 심리상담사나 보호자가 아닌데 내가 실천 불가능한 요구를 바라는 게 아닐까? Psalms 146:3 You can't depend on anyone.

 

2023/06/02
존버하면 좋은 날이 올거야